28 Jan What if sex “doesn’t work”?

Finding your way

Although it may seem as if “sex is everywhere”, it is still not really talked about very much. This means that most of us get information on how sex should work from movies, TV programmes, and porn. And with some infrequent and extraordinary exceptions (for example, the series Sex Education and Sex, Love and Goop, both on Netflix), sex is usually portrayed as something that just works. Porn, on the other hand (no pun intended), can give us a very skewed view of what sex should be like, and at best, be viewed as merely a stage-managed performance.

So, in the end, we start thinking sex is easy and should just work, and when it doesn’t, we may experience feelings of embarrassment or shame and of being alone.

However, the reality is that most people will experience some sexual difficulties at various points in their lives! Some very common difficulties can affect erections, orgasm, lubrication, cause pain, and of course, dampen desire. These difficulties may lead to an individual or a couple avoiding sex altogether or having a much reduced sexual experience that becomes all about ‘trying to get it to work’. If this is you, STOP NOW!!!

What can you do instead?

The first thing to remember is what does sex mean for you. For most people, it’s about pleasure, sometimes about connection, too.

One way of exploring pleasure is to treat the whole of your and your partner’s body as an erogenous zone. Experiment with different types of touch, use various soft materials to enhance sensations such as satin, velvet or silk, use sex toys to give your experience more quivering sensations, or just have fun playing with touch.

If you find certain aspects of sex difficult, such as penetration, agree with your partner not to try them for a while. Instead, concentrate on all the things you both can do easily and enjoy.

Lastly, pay attention to the setting: maybe a candlelit dinner followed by a bath and a massage (or the other way around!). These delicate and intimate moments can be worth more than trying to make things “work”.

By focusing on the small pleasures, you may find that by taking the pressure off trying to make things work, the difficulties you initially had might go away – and even if they don’t, at least you are having fun trying!

If you need a bit more help, don’t hesitate to see your GP or contact a sex therapist – that is what they are there for.

Quickie by Albertina Fisher

Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash